Tag: life goes on

Change…

Change.

I don’t like change.

I don’t like the not knowing part of change.

Yes, I know life is all about change, and that change is good, and everything is constantly changing

Still…

I don’t like change.

And yet – Ever since I stepped into this Hawaiian air – I could feel change.

I know I’m here to learn something.

To feel something.

To release something.

To take responsibility for something.

To hear something.

To accept something.

To receive something.

To trust something.

To believe something.

To welcome something.

To begin something.

To be something.

Until next time…

XOXO

It’s On Me…

Vacations are not always about having fun. Sometimes along with the fun, we find ourselves dealing with things we have purposely placed in the back of our mind and heart because the pain of dealing with any of it is too much to bear.

This is one of those vacations for me.

The shores of the Hawaiian Island of Oahu seemed to know I was coming, and was prepared to show me beauty, the likes of which I have never seen, but the price for all of that splendor, was me breaking down in tears.  It was in those moments of vulnerability, I knew I was here, on this Island, to have my come to Jesus moments with things I have been carrying with me for 3.5 years.

It was terrifying and exciting at the same time.  

I won’t share the depths of my baggage, because it’s mine – but I will speak of the importance of dealing with grief and heartbreak and betrayal and not allowing it to weigh you down and prevent you from living the life you have to live.

We don’t all get a happy ending. Sometimes things just end. What I now understand is that it’s not about the ending – it’s about how I pick up my pieces and carry on. Is it how I envisioned my life to be? No – it is not. But – it is the life I now have.

I thought I was doing good, and in some respects I know I am. But there are so many tentacles to grief. So many facets that if placed aside, they only fester and grow.

These shores and mist covered mountains of Oahu have touched a part of me that’s been stuck.  A part of me I haven’t had the courage to face.

Until now.

I have spent too much time feeling guilty for things over which I had no control. These things that weighed me down and kept me stuck in a life of regrets in what I perceived as broken promises.

I have placed my anger on others and expected that to anger to outweigh my guilt.

Yeah, that’s not how it works. That’s what has kept me weighed down and broken inside.

The truth is this:

 it’s on me to let the guilt go.

It’s on me to set my heart straight.

It’s on me to forgive myself.

It’s on me to focus on the things that I am responsible for changing.

It’s on me.

It’s all on me.

 

Mahalo, Oahu.

Until Next Time…

 

 

Life – It Goes On

I was reminded this morning of just how hard the journey of grief can be.  It’s this never-ending rollercoaster ride that takes you from one end of your emotions to the other end in a matter of seconds.

I was sitting this morning with my coffee watching the curling competition at the 2022 Winter Olympics.  I enjoy curling. The strategy of it, the sound of the stone on the ice – I don’t know why – I just enjoy watching it.  As I was watching I remembered that the last time I was watching curling at the Olympics – I was watching with Susan.  She looked at me and said: “Honey, this is like watching paint dry.” 

The memory made me smile, and then it made me shed a few tears, and then it made me realize how very much I miss her.

This is how this journey of grief goes.  The memories are sweet, but the ache in my heart is always there lurking under the surface.

What I have come to understand is that life doesn’t always give us what we want.  However, it does always offer us a way to get what we need.  It’s the getting to know exactly what the things are that we need that brings us that fear of the unknown.

It’s easy to stay stuck. It may not be the right thing, but it’s comfortable, we know the rules, we know the game, we also know how it ends.

But – with Susan gone – the game changed, and I had no choice. I had to make changes.

Meeting new people, trying new things, adventuring out of my comfort zone, and exploring who I am and what is it I need and want for myself. It’s been scary, but rewarding in ways I never imagined.

Going through all this change doesn’t mean you forget; it means that you honor and cherish all that you had, and you take all that you’ve learned, and you make a life for yourself, whatever that may be.  

Try not to spend too much time on the could-have, should-have, would-have parts of your life. 

You can’t change anything that’s done.  It’s done. Let it be done.

I’ll leave you with my favorite Robert Frost quote:

     “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

Until Next Time
XOXO