Tag: Intentions

Change…

Change.

I don’t like change.

I don’t like the not knowing part of change.

Yes, I know life is all about change, and that change is good, and everything is constantly changing

Still…

I don’t like change.

And yet – Ever since I stepped into this Hawaiian air – I could feel change.

I know I’m here to learn something.

To feel something.

To release something.

To take responsibility for something.

To hear something.

To accept something.

To receive something.

To trust something.

To believe something.

To welcome something.

To begin something.

To be something.

Until next time…

XOXO

It’s On Me…

Vacations are not always about having fun. Sometimes along with the fun, we find ourselves dealing with things we have purposely placed in the back of our mind and heart because the pain of dealing with any of it is too much to bear.

This is one of those vacations for me.

The shores of the Hawaiian Island of Oahu seemed to know I was coming, and was prepared to show me beauty, the likes of which I have never seen, but the price for all of that splendor, was me breaking down in tears.  It was in those moments of vulnerability, I knew I was here, on this Island, to have my come to Jesus moments with things I have been carrying with me for 3.5 years.

It was terrifying and exciting at the same time.  

I won’t share the depths of my baggage, because it’s mine – but I will speak of the importance of dealing with grief and heartbreak and betrayal and not allowing it to weigh you down and prevent you from living the life you have to live.

We don’t all get a happy ending. Sometimes things just end. What I now understand is that it’s not about the ending – it’s about how I pick up my pieces and carry on. Is it how I envisioned my life to be? No – it is not. But – it is the life I now have.

I thought I was doing good, and in some respects I know I am. But there are so many tentacles to grief. So many facets that if placed aside, they only fester and grow.

These shores and mist covered mountains of Oahu have touched a part of me that’s been stuck.  A part of me I haven’t had the courage to face.

Until now.

I have spent too much time feeling guilty for things over which I had no control. These things that weighed me down and kept me stuck in a life of regrets in what I perceived as broken promises.

I have placed my anger on others and expected that to anger to outweigh my guilt.

Yeah, that’s not how it works. That’s what has kept me weighed down and broken inside.

The truth is this:

 it’s on me to let the guilt go.

It’s on me to set my heart straight.

It’s on me to forgive myself.

It’s on me to focus on the things that I am responsible for changing.

It’s on me.

It’s all on me.

 

Mahalo, Oahu.

Until Next Time…

 

 

What Are Your Intentions?

My pastor laid down this challenge two weeks ago.  She told us to ask ourselves this question: “What is my intention for my one beautiful life?”  and to set our expectations so that when we emerge from this darkness, we are stronger, wiser, better.

There were religious implications regarding water and baptism in her sermon that resonated with me, but what I’m writing about can be understood by those of any faith or those who have no faith or no religion.

This is about you and your one beautiful life.

“What are your intentions for your one beautiful life?”

I was sitting by a serene lake last week trying to discover if indeed I even had any intentions, when I heard the call of a Belted Kingfisher.  I immediately started looking up in the trees for this beautiful bird.  Their call is loud and unmistakable, and I knew it was close by. 

A woman who was sitting nearby asked me what I was looking for.  I explained the whole Belted Kingfisher in the trees thing to her and asked her if she had heard the call of this beautiful bird.  She looked at me and said: “I didn’t hear anything.”  I looked at her and said again: “You didn’t hear that call?”  And she said: “Honestly, I haven’t heard anything since I sat down.”

She was sitting in this beautiful spot by a Lake. There were ducks quacking and birds singing. The wind was blowing in the trees, the water was lapping on the shore – and she heard nothing.

It was in that moment I knew what my intentions were. 

  • To listen more intently
  • To see more clearly
  • To be present in all things
  • To share what I know to be true
  • To be open to new things
  • To not be afraid
  • To be a force for good

Okay, I know I may fall short on these intentions, and I may not practice them constantly, but I’m certainly going to give it a go.

There’s enough anger and divisiveness in the world right now without me piling on and joining that parade. And, that sort of thinking only makes me more angry and more unhappy and more bitter about everything.

I know how it feels to lose that anchor in your life, to lose that one love that was ever present. I know how it feels to be adrift and lonely and angry and bitter.  I didn’t choose any of those things, but I certainly did wallow in them for a long period of time.

I allowed myself to be pulled into the abyss.

I went to the dark side.

Life is different now.

I’m different now.

My intentions are different now.

So, tell me, my friends:

“What are your intentions for your one beautiful life?

Until Next Time

XOXO