Category: New Beginnings

Family Traditions – They’re Not Always Good

Our lives are made up of moments.  Some bring unfiltered happiness; some bring us to our knees, and some change our lives forever. It’s in all these moments that we change and grow with what we have learned, or we stay stuck in the muck and become bitter and unforgiving and cast blame on those who we believe have brought us this misery.

It’s not easy to look in a mirror and understand that you are the one in control. You are the one who gets to decide where you go, what you do, who you want to be and who it is you want in your circle.

I stopped drinking in September of last year. A decision I made on my own because I knew it was time, and I also knew I needed to be the one to end my family’s tradition of destruction that reaches back generations.

I wasn’t out of control, I wasn’t drinking every day, but – I knew I could become both of those things very easily. I knew because I had done it before.  

You stop at a bar, you have a drink, then another. Pretty soon the bartender knows your drink and has it waiting for you when you walk in. It’s easy, it’s familiar, it’s helps ease the pain of whatever is gnawing at your soul.

But, we all know, it doesn’t ease anything. 

In doing a little family genealogy, I noticed that more than a few died from cirrhosis of the liver.  My family drinks, some socially, some to excess, but they drink. It has ruined more than one life, and abuse seems to be part and parcel of the drinking.  These genes are passed from generation to generation. I’m predisposed to alcohol because it’s a “family” gene. It’s just a part of who I am. I’m not blaming them for my behavior, I’m just saying – it’s a part of me.

It was these things and so much more that made me say – enough. I won’t be them. I won’t follow that family tradition. I won’t allow it to control me. I will be the one to end this wretched part of my family’s history.

Do I miss the drinking and the bars?   I do not.

The moments I now have in my life are not clouded with anything.  They’re not always good, but they are the moments which define who I am now, and what I have chosen my life to be.  

Not all family traditions are good.  Not all the genes we inherited are meant to be lived as our ancestors lived them. 

Sometimes we take what we’ve been given, and we make our own way. I’d like to think my Great Grandma Phoebe is proud of me for not sitting on our collective barstool anymore. God rest her soul…

Until Next Time.

XOXO

The Aloha Spirit

Some vacations are really no vacations at all. We go with expectations and find ourselves disappointed when we realize that where we went is really nothing at all like we wanted it to be. We wonder why we ever thought we should travel there, and nothing, absolutely nothing, is right about anything. The flight sucked, the hotel was simply wrong, the food involved things one would never order, the weather was too hot or too cold. It was raining or snowing or just dreary. 

I am pretty convinced now this disappointment had nothing to do with the destination – it was all about what we wanted, what we expected, what we thought we deserved. 

Such self-absorbed people we can be. 

Me, Me, Me… 

Last week I had a magical, mystical vacation on the Hawaiian Island of Oahu. I went with no expectation other than spending a week with my boy. What I came home with was a new lease on life. A new attitude.  A new resolve. 

This is what I learned from my boy, the magical, mystical Island, and the people who live there; 

  • It is not all about me.  
  • It is about forgiveness – for yourself and for others. 
  • Things do not matter.  
  • People matter.  
  • Love matters.  
  • Kindness matters. 
  • Compassion matters. 
  • Words matter 
  • Wherever you are in your life – celebrate it. 
  • Watch sunsets wherever you are – as often as you can and bring a picnic with you. 
  • Do the things that bring you joy. 
  • Be with people who value you. 
  • Slow down – it will all get done. 
  • Embrace the moments, even the smallest things are a gift. 
  • Do not settle. Ever. 
  • It is not on us to change people. We can accept them for who they are and love them where they are – or we can bless them and let them go. It is not for us to try and change them. 

Aloha is not just a word used for tourists. The Aloha Spirit is a real thing. It embraces peace, compassion, affection, and friendship. The people who live their lives in this Paradise have much to teach those of us who live here on the mainland.  

It is not perfect – no place is – but it is different, and its beauty is not just in the mountains or the stunning waters that surround it. The beauty lies in the people of all cultures who have made this island their home. It is not just white people who think they have some sort of power because of their whiteness – it was all colors sitting on the beach celebrating the setting of the sun. 

This adventure renewed me in ways I did not know I needed to be renewed. My boy knew, and the Island of Oahu knew. 

For all their love… 

I am forever grateful 

Until next time 

XOXO 

It’s On Me…

Vacations are not always about having fun. Sometimes along with the fun, we find ourselves dealing with things we have purposely placed in the back of our mind and heart because the pain of dealing with any of it is too much to bear.

This is one of those vacations for me.

The shores of the Hawaiian Island of Oahu seemed to know I was coming, and was prepared to show me beauty, the likes of which I have never seen, but the price for all of that splendor, was me breaking down in tears.  It was in those moments of vulnerability, I knew I was here, on this Island, to have my come to Jesus moments with things I have been carrying with me for 3.5 years.

It was terrifying and exciting at the same time.  

I won’t share the depths of my baggage, because it’s mine – but I will speak of the importance of dealing with grief and heartbreak and betrayal and not allowing it to weigh you down and prevent you from living the life you have to live.

We don’t all get a happy ending. Sometimes things just end. What I now understand is that it’s not about the ending – it’s about how I pick up my pieces and carry on. Is it how I envisioned my life to be? No – it is not. But – it is the life I now have.

I thought I was doing good, and in some respects I know I am. But there are so many tentacles to grief. So many facets that if placed aside, they only fester and grow.

These shores and mist covered mountains of Oahu have touched a part of me that’s been stuck.  A part of me I haven’t had the courage to face.

Until now.

I have spent too much time feeling guilty for things over which I had no control. These things that weighed me down and kept me stuck in a life of regrets in what I perceived as broken promises.

I have placed my anger on others and expected that to anger to outweigh my guilt.

Yeah, that’s not how it works. That’s what has kept me weighed down and broken inside.

The truth is this:

 it’s on me to let the guilt go.

It’s on me to set my heart straight.

It’s on me to forgive myself.

It’s on me to focus on the things that I am responsible for changing.

It’s on me.

It’s all on me.

 

Mahalo, Oahu.

Until Next Time…

 

 

Be A Better Human

New Years resolutions are not my thing. It’s just this never-ending battle about what I should do to be better, then starting on that path, then a month later I feel bad about myself for failing once again I mean – what is the point?

What I’ve discovered is that you can change anything in your life on any day of the year.

Any month.

Any week.

Any day.

Any hour.

Any minute.

Any second.

You get my drift.

It’s a matter of deciding that you want to be a better human.

We all get caught up in the minutia of our own lives. It’s human nature. Our purpose though, is to rise above our own state of mind and try and help those who are living a life we can’t even imagine.

It’s not all that hard.

Donate clothes you no longer wear to a homeless shelter.

Donate canned goods to a food bank.

Open a door for someone.

Look people in the eye and talk to them

Don’t judge

Be humble

Smile

If you’re one of those people who complain about how awful the world is and you blame the Republicans or the Democrats or whoever you believe is doing you wrong, and you spend your time tweeting your anger, or making tic-toc videos and spewing your anger on Facebook, and you do absolutely nothing to help anyone…

Just stop.

It’s not all about you.

Is life fair? – No

We all make mistakes, we all suffer, we all grieve, we all stumble, we all say things we can’t take back, we all love, we have all lost someone we loved. Having money doesn’t make you a better person. Nor does your house, your car or your clothes, etc… No one person is better than another.

If you want to make a change this year…

Be a better human.

And So It Goes…

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat with myself and thought about what it was I wanted to do with my life.

Everything is so different- I am so different.

What I believed was important 3 years ago has become a book I forced myself to close knowing full well my survival was dependent on my strength to start a new book.

A book without Susan.

My book.

The loss of a life-partner, your soulmate can most certainly change you. It changes everything.

I realized this past year that I no longer wanted to be that sad, bitter, angry soul blaming the world for my being alone.

The thing is – I finally realized that I wasn’t alone. The world was out there waiting for me. Once I got over feeling sorry for myself, I made the changes I needed to make, I did the work on cleaning up the mess that was my life- and I started the new book.

Has it been easy? Not at all.

Do I miss what used to be? I miss my life with Susan. I miss her laugh and the feel of her hands on my face and the love in her eyes.

But – I’m still here for a reason and it’s my job to find that reason. To find my purpose and fulfill whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. I’m pretty clear on what that purpose is for right now, but I know all too well that life changes fast and we must learn to change with it or we’ll be left bogged down in what can never be again.

I’m not alone in my grief, nor am I alone in my recovery. There is much sadness in the world, but hope – it springs eternal!

And so it goes.

A New Year to find our purpose.

To put a smile on someone’s face. To listen and learn. To laugh and cry. To love and learn. To forgive and move on. To find faith and carry on with grace. To not judge and simply accept. To help and let others help you. To not be angry or bitter and carry on with the work. To find peace and give comfort…

Until Next Time…

Life – It Goes On

I was reminded this morning of just how hard the journey of grief can be.  It’s this never-ending rollercoaster ride that takes you from one end of your emotions to the other end in a matter of seconds.

I was sitting this morning with my coffee watching the curling competition at the 2022 Winter Olympics.  I enjoy curling. The strategy of it, the sound of the stone on the ice – I don’t know why – I just enjoy watching it.  As I was watching I remembered that the last time I was watching curling at the Olympics – I was watching with Susan.  She looked at me and said: “Honey, this is like watching paint dry.” 

The memory made me smile, and then it made me shed a few tears, and then it made me realize how very much I miss her.

This is how this journey of grief goes.  The memories are sweet, but the ache in my heart is always there lurking under the surface.

What I have come to understand is that life doesn’t always give us what we want.  However, it does always offer us a way to get what we need.  It’s the getting to know exactly what the things are that we need that brings us that fear of the unknown.

It’s easy to stay stuck. It may not be the right thing, but it’s comfortable, we know the rules, we know the game, we also know how it ends.

But – with Susan gone – the game changed, and I had no choice. I had to make changes.

Meeting new people, trying new things, adventuring out of my comfort zone, and exploring who I am and what is it I need and want for myself. It’s been scary, but rewarding in ways I never imagined.

Going through all this change doesn’t mean you forget; it means that you honor and cherish all that you had, and you take all that you’ve learned, and you make a life for yourself, whatever that may be.  

Try not to spend too much time on the could-have, should-have, would-have parts of your life. 

You can’t change anything that’s done.  It’s done. Let it be done.

I’ll leave you with my favorite Robert Frost quote:

     “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

Until Next Time
XOXO

The Messy Bits

There were many times the past two years when I felt that things around me were spinning in many different directions all at one time – It always gives me the image of someone trying to keep way too many plates in the air. The truth is – most of what’s spinning is spinning because I’m giving it space in my head and my heart

Life isn’t always fair, nor is it always kind.

Sometimes, the hard times come, and they stay long past their due date. They wreak havoc and bring about anger and bitterness and seeking revenge seems to be a part of every thought that goes through my little brain.

Messy Bits…

It’s like when you’re growing up and your parents tell you some crazy story about relatives that we no longer associate with for reasons they don’t remember other than that’s how it’s always been. Long ago angers and hurts that carry on from generation to generation for unknown reasons. The only thing you know is that you can’t be the one to break the cycle. It would be some sort of stain on your family name.

You all know what I’m speaking of.

The – this is how it’s always been logic.

Messy bits.

It takes courage to break a cycle of disfunction, especially when it’s your family, your friends, your life.
There’s much to lose.

Then again, there’s much to gain by breaking free of all of it.

We are told these stories growing up that your family is the only thing that matters, but sometimes, it’s our families that break us.

They break us when we don’t conform to these standards that are placed on us as children – when we don’t fit into the place in the family that was set aside for us, when we don’t live the life that was expected of us. When we question decisions that are made for us. When we realize that nothing – absolutely nothing is as it seems.

It’s only when we understand that a foundation of secrets and lies, and guilt and grudges and phobias and expectations has allowed us to sink into following along instead of taking charge and living our own life.

Messy Bits.

What I have discovered is that it’s never too late to start over. To find the courage to say no and walk away from the messy bits that make you feel less-than and undeserving and trapped and drowning in a life that isn’t your own.

Yes, Life is indeed the messy bits, but we don’t need to live there, or wallow there or believe that all that exists in this world are the messy bits.

Break the cycle

Find the courage

You deserve the good bits

The happy bits

The joyful bits.

Until Next Time
XOXO

What Are Your Intentions?

My pastor laid down this challenge two weeks ago.  She told us to ask ourselves this question: “What is my intention for my one beautiful life?”  and to set our expectations so that when we emerge from this darkness, we are stronger, wiser, better.

There were religious implications regarding water and baptism in her sermon that resonated with me, but what I’m writing about can be understood by those of any faith or those who have no faith or no religion.

This is about you and your one beautiful life.

“What are your intentions for your one beautiful life?”

I was sitting by a serene lake last week trying to discover if indeed I even had any intentions, when I heard the call of a Belted Kingfisher.  I immediately started looking up in the trees for this beautiful bird.  Their call is loud and unmistakable, and I knew it was close by. 

A woman who was sitting nearby asked me what I was looking for.  I explained the whole Belted Kingfisher in the trees thing to her and asked her if she had heard the call of this beautiful bird.  She looked at me and said: “I didn’t hear anything.”  I looked at her and said again: “You didn’t hear that call?”  And she said: “Honestly, I haven’t heard anything since I sat down.”

She was sitting in this beautiful spot by a Lake. There were ducks quacking and birds singing. The wind was blowing in the trees, the water was lapping on the shore – and she heard nothing.

It was in that moment I knew what my intentions were. 

  • To listen more intently
  • To see more clearly
  • To be present in all things
  • To share what I know to be true
  • To be open to new things
  • To not be afraid
  • To be a force for good

Okay, I know I may fall short on these intentions, and I may not practice them constantly, but I’m certainly going to give it a go.

There’s enough anger and divisiveness in the world right now without me piling on and joining that parade. And, that sort of thinking only makes me more angry and more unhappy and more bitter about everything.

I know how it feels to lose that anchor in your life, to lose that one love that was ever present. I know how it feels to be adrift and lonely and angry and bitter.  I didn’t choose any of those things, but I certainly did wallow in them for a long period of time.

I allowed myself to be pulled into the abyss.

I went to the dark side.

Life is different now.

I’m different now.

My intentions are different now.

So, tell me, my friends:

“What are your intentions for your one beautiful life?

Until Next Time

XOXO

Welcome to Until Next Time

I’ve been blogging for years. But, as I was reading over posts from years ago, I’ve realized how very much I have changed. Maybe it’s not so much that I’ve changed, but that life has changed me.

I lost my partner of 38 years to Covid19 in April of 2020. Life as I knew it ended, and at 68 I found myself starting over.

This new blog – this is what has come from the journey of these two years from April 2020, until now – January 2022.

This journey has been filled with tears and anger and sorrow and fear and regrets and wishes and dreams and what-ifs and should-haves and just who I am I now?

The Covid Pandemic was in its infancy when Susan passed in April of 2020. I sat alone in the home she and I shared surrounded by all of our things in a state of disbelief. I was numb and found myself sitting on the living room floor holding her urn unsure of anything and living on pancakes and ice cream.

It wasn’t pretty.

But – the journey has also been filled with old friends who were patient and stood strong and listened and loved and listened some more. They were most certainly my lifeline filling me with hope and courage and keeping me from losing my soul. And then came, and continue to come, new friends. People I never knew existed, but there they were – and there they are – with open hearts cheering me on.

Old friends and new friends – showing me the way out.

It is from all of these things, and all of these people – the good, the bad, the new, the old, those that stayed, those that left – it’s from all of this that we learn and grow and find the strength and courage to move on to what comes next.

Because – something always come next.

Thanks for being here.

Until Next Time

XOXO