Category: Intentions

Family Traditions – They’re Not Always Good

Our lives are made up of moments.  Some bring unfiltered happiness; some bring us to our knees, and some change our lives forever. It’s in all these moments that we change and grow with what we have learned, or we stay stuck in the muck and become bitter and unforgiving and cast blame on those who we believe have brought us this misery.

It’s not easy to look in a mirror and understand that you are the one in control. You are the one who gets to decide where you go, what you do, who you want to be and who it is you want in your circle.

I stopped drinking in September of last year. A decision I made on my own because I knew it was time, and I also knew I needed to be the one to end my family’s tradition of destruction that reaches back generations.

I wasn’t out of control, I wasn’t drinking every day, but – I knew I could become both of those things very easily. I knew because I had done it before.  

You stop at a bar, you have a drink, then another. Pretty soon the bartender knows your drink and has it waiting for you when you walk in. It’s easy, it’s familiar, it’s helps ease the pain of whatever is gnawing at your soul.

But, we all know, it doesn’t ease anything. 

In doing a little family genealogy, I noticed that more than a few died from cirrhosis of the liver.  My family drinks, some socially, some to excess, but they drink. It has ruined more than one life, and abuse seems to be part and parcel of the drinking.  These genes are passed from generation to generation. I’m predisposed to alcohol because it’s a “family” gene. It’s just a part of who I am. I’m not blaming them for my behavior, I’m just saying – it’s a part of me.

It was these things and so much more that made me say – enough. I won’t be them. I won’t follow that family tradition. I won’t allow it to control me. I will be the one to end this wretched part of my family’s history.

Do I miss the drinking and the bars?   I do not.

The moments I now have in my life are not clouded with anything.  They’re not always good, but they are the moments which define who I am now, and what I have chosen my life to be.  

Not all family traditions are good.  Not all the genes we inherited are meant to be lived as our ancestors lived them. 

Sometimes we take what we’ve been given, and we make our own way. I’d like to think my Great Grandma Phoebe is proud of me for not sitting on our collective barstool anymore. God rest her soul…

Until Next Time.

XOXO

It’s On Me…

Vacations are not always about having fun. Sometimes along with the fun, we find ourselves dealing with things we have purposely placed in the back of our mind and heart because the pain of dealing with any of it is too much to bear.

This is one of those vacations for me.

The shores of the Hawaiian Island of Oahu seemed to know I was coming, and was prepared to show me beauty, the likes of which I have never seen, but the price for all of that splendor, was me breaking down in tears.  It was in those moments of vulnerability, I knew I was here, on this Island, to have my come to Jesus moments with things I have been carrying with me for 3.5 years.

It was terrifying and exciting at the same time.  

I won’t share the depths of my baggage, because it’s mine – but I will speak of the importance of dealing with grief and heartbreak and betrayal and not allowing it to weigh you down and prevent you from living the life you have to live.

We don’t all get a happy ending. Sometimes things just end. What I now understand is that it’s not about the ending – it’s about how I pick up my pieces and carry on. Is it how I envisioned my life to be? No – it is not. But – it is the life I now have.

I thought I was doing good, and in some respects I know I am. But there are so many tentacles to grief. So many facets that if placed aside, they only fester and grow.

These shores and mist covered mountains of Oahu have touched a part of me that’s been stuck.  A part of me I haven’t had the courage to face.

Until now.

I have spent too much time feeling guilty for things over which I had no control. These things that weighed me down and kept me stuck in a life of regrets in what I perceived as broken promises.

I have placed my anger on others and expected that to anger to outweigh my guilt.

Yeah, that’s not how it works. That’s what has kept me weighed down and broken inside.

The truth is this:

 it’s on me to let the guilt go.

It’s on me to set my heart straight.

It’s on me to forgive myself.

It’s on me to focus on the things that I am responsible for changing.

It’s on me.

It’s all on me.

 

Mahalo, Oahu.

Until Next Time…

 

 

The Grass Isn’t Greener…

Last night I was reminded of something very important.

   “The grass isn’t greener on the other side.  It’s greener where YOU water it.”

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that we don’t need to have what everyone else has to fill up our lives. I mean – all the commercials, all the ads, all the pop-ups – they are constant reminders of what it is we need.

 My question is this:  If we get any of those things – would we be any happier than we are without them?

The whole thing about watering our own grass…

It’s not about being arrogant or self-serving.

It’s about finding our own way and knowing what we need to sustain our lives in the ways that make us happy and fulfilled and content and peaceful.

It’s on each of us to bring those people who lift us up and believe in who we are and challenge us to be more than we even knew we could be into our lives.

It’s about taking those things and those people and nurturing – watering – them. Watching them grow, watching yourself grow because of them. 

The truth is – if you look on the “other side” – you will sometimes see those who appear to have everything – and, in all reality, have nothing.  New cars, big new houses, money, the latest fashions… 

These things – they don’t hug you or love you or dry your tears or encourage you or guide you or hold your hand or smile at you or walk with you or just sit quietly with you.

We are all worthy of a life filled with joy and love and peace and comfort – however – we must do the work. You must be willing to give these things in return, honestly and without expecting anything in return. You do them, and you give them because you know who you are, and you know what it means to tend your own grass.

When people walk all over your beautiful grass and have no respect for who you are and what you believe – well, it’s okay to put up the “Stay Off The Grass” sign.

Life is so very short. 

Live yours with grace and love and take the time to linger in the beautiful grass you’ve watered and nurtured and embrace those who journey through the grass with you.

Until Next Time

XOXO

What Are Your Intentions?

My pastor laid down this challenge two weeks ago.  She told us to ask ourselves this question: “What is my intention for my one beautiful life?”  and to set our expectations so that when we emerge from this darkness, we are stronger, wiser, better.

There were religious implications regarding water and baptism in her sermon that resonated with me, but what I’m writing about can be understood by those of any faith or those who have no faith or no religion.

This is about you and your one beautiful life.

“What are your intentions for your one beautiful life?”

I was sitting by a serene lake last week trying to discover if indeed I even had any intentions, when I heard the call of a Belted Kingfisher.  I immediately started looking up in the trees for this beautiful bird.  Their call is loud and unmistakable, and I knew it was close by. 

A woman who was sitting nearby asked me what I was looking for.  I explained the whole Belted Kingfisher in the trees thing to her and asked her if she had heard the call of this beautiful bird.  She looked at me and said: “I didn’t hear anything.”  I looked at her and said again: “You didn’t hear that call?”  And she said: “Honestly, I haven’t heard anything since I sat down.”

She was sitting in this beautiful spot by a Lake. There were ducks quacking and birds singing. The wind was blowing in the trees, the water was lapping on the shore – and she heard nothing.

It was in that moment I knew what my intentions were. 

  • To listen more intently
  • To see more clearly
  • To be present in all things
  • To share what I know to be true
  • To be open to new things
  • To not be afraid
  • To be a force for good

Okay, I know I may fall short on these intentions, and I may not practice them constantly, but I’m certainly going to give it a go.

There’s enough anger and divisiveness in the world right now without me piling on and joining that parade. And, that sort of thinking only makes me more angry and more unhappy and more bitter about everything.

I know how it feels to lose that anchor in your life, to lose that one love that was ever present. I know how it feels to be adrift and lonely and angry and bitter.  I didn’t choose any of those things, but I certainly did wallow in them for a long period of time.

I allowed myself to be pulled into the abyss.

I went to the dark side.

Life is different now.

I’m different now.

My intentions are different now.

So, tell me, my friends:

“What are your intentions for your one beautiful life?

Until Next Time

XOXO